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Offline John H

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Correct Tools for the Job
« on: December 29, 2014, 04:30:47 PM »
I've seen this about twenty-five years ago at a shop I worked in, and saw it pop up again last week. I thought it would be useful to share.


DRILL PRESS :
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL :
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW :
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER :
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW :
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS :
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW :
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK :
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST :
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER :
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT (Flathead) SCREWDRIVER :
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR :
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER :
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER :
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE :
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a ***** TOOL :
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a *****" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

FILE: Useful tool for locating the bone right where your left thumb joins your left hand.

PROPANE TORCH and WD-40:
The prefect combination for removing facial hair (including eyebrows) and that unsightly forearm hair.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power... the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

https://soundcloud.com/sg-john

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Offline davidj

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2014, 05:26:56 PM »
So true John! :) ;D :)
I'm back - am I the same person or just a clone of myself?

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Offline Rob S

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #2 on: December 30, 2014, 09:34:24 AM »
Somehow, I wonder how I have failed so miserably to surround myself with some of the more exciting items on the list? But reading carefully, I can see that there are others I could easily adapt! :D :D :D

Oh and John, you forgot Finger Puppets! ;D ;D ;D
"I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour."

If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

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Offline Rob S

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #3 on: December 30, 2014, 09:46:52 AM »
And I really DO feel that even if just for posterity, we should all watch and learn from The Master.

<a href="https://www.youtube.com/v/LJN9-mJqxnk" target="_blank" class="new_win">https://www.youtube.com/v/LJN9-mJqxnk</a>
"I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour."

If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

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Offline davidj

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #4 on: December 30, 2014, 12:58:17 PM »
I'd forgotten about that!  Does he still post here?
I'm back - am I the same person or just a clone of myself?

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Offline Rob S

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2014, 01:43:57 PM »
No, he shuffled off when Chilli imploded.
There's a rumour circulating that he has given up and now plays a Banjo. SERIOUSLY!! ;D ;D

The thought of Power Chords and a Banjo is not best considered unit you have had a few Mulled Fantas! ;)
"I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour."

If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

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Offline John H

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2014, 03:53:26 PM »
Ok, here you go.

FINGER PUPPETS:
Fun toys for Johnny to play with, whilst disguising the plasters that are helping heal the burns from attempting to solder.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power... the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

https://soundcloud.com/sg-john

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Johnny-English

Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #7 on: December 30, 2014, 03:56:56 PM »
Bloody hell John, I have ticked every box on that list over the years 😀



Rob , That brings back memories of sparky.... Banjo now Ummm, AC-DC will never sound the same again 😎

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Offline Rob S

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #8 on: December 30, 2014, 03:58:23 PM »
Well his version of Agnes and her chums sounded pretty ....... erm .......unique, that's the word! ;D
"I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour."

If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

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Johnny-English

Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #9 on: December 30, 2014, 03:59:22 PM »
Ok, here you go.

FINGER PUPPETS:
Fun toys for Johnny to play with, whilst disguising the plasters that are helping heal the burns from attempting to solder.



I resemble that remark J.H      Ha, ha

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Offline John H

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2014, 04:00:37 PM »
Well his version of Agnes and her chums sounded pretty ....... erm .......unique, that's the word! ;D

  To say the least... I'm sure he's getting a whole lotta rosie with that act.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power... the world will know peace." Jimi Hendrix

https://soundcloud.com/sg-john

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Johnny-English

Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #11 on: December 30, 2014, 04:02:16 PM »
Well his version of Agnes and her chums sounded pretty ....... erm .......unique, that's the word! ;D





It's all down to taste dear , lard and marmite for me

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Offline Rob S

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Re: Correct Tools for the Job
« Reply #12 on: December 30, 2014, 04:26:32 PM »
With a Side Order of Peanut Butter and Aspirin Sandwiches. >:D :angel: >:D

Now, where's my Cricket Bat? ;)
"I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour."

If you lend someone ?20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.